I sit here, writhing and burping out curses in the name of my roommate, Paul. You may ask yourself,  “What has Paul done to cause Eric to ‘burp curses’ at him?” Well, I’m glad I made you ask that. You see it all started 2 hour and 26 minutes ago…


Paul asked me if I wanted to go to Wendy’s and grab a burger. I had already eaten lunch at this point and wasn’t quite hungry yet so I told him, “I already ate lunch and I’m not quite hungry yet.” I felt this made Paul slightly upset. I may have noticed this because his smile sank slightly, his brow lowered a bit, or because he shouted, “Well God Damn it!” It seems Paul needed to collect a few pieces of fast food paraphernalia for a project he’s working on, and was hoping to grab some Wendy’s napkins, spoons, and what-not. I apologized and added that I didn’t really have the money to pay for second-lunch anyways. To this he responded with an offer to buy me a burger if I went to Wendy’s with him. Free food. I couldn’t say no. So we got in his car and headed out. When we got there Paul said I could order a combo if I’d like, and, quickly realizing that more free food is better than less free food, I decided to go with the combo (Feel free to mark me on the whole “more free food is better than less free food” part, it’s not like that comes back to haunt me or anything). Paul then grabbed his loot and we made our way back to the car. Upon entering, a shimmer shined in Paul’s eye, “While we’re out we might as well pick up a few more things,” he said. I agreed, that made sense time-wise. So off to McDonald’s we went. Little did I know this was but the first of many beautifully horrific stops.


At McDonald s Paul asked me a simple question, “what do you want?” Stunned I laughed and said, “Oh, um, I guess I’ll have a M&M McFlurry for dessert!” We laughed, I remarked at how much food he was buying me, he smiled, bought me the McFlurry, and asked where we should go next. At this point I realized what was happening, and that I may be doomed. We continued to fast-food-hop as I sent out a few tweets about my concerns, they are as follows:


  • “Paul is forcibly buying me fast food. We just went to Wendy’s, at McDonald’s now, and there was talk of burger king… I AM SO CONFUSED!!!”
  • “So apparently I have no self-control…what I DO have is a mad man who has money, a car, and some crazy ambition… at Dunkin’ Donuts now”
  • “There should be a help-line people can call when their roommates kidnap them for a city wide junk food spree …something like (555)OH-DEAR-GOD”
  • “Now at Sonic… Know what? Screw it! This is blog post worthy! Stop by SA in 2 hours for the epic-cardiac-failure of an ending to this story” (yes, you are currently reading that story)


In total we visited, ordered food at, took supplies from, and forced Eric to eat food from Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, Sonic, Dutchess, and Burger King… there was also talk about Five Guys, Subway, Popeye’s, and Papa Johns, but I won those battles. I did, however, “enjoy” (probably not be the right word for it) a Baconator combo, an M&M McFlurry, a black iced coffee with 5 sugars, an order of mozzarella sticks, a breakfast burrito, a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich, and an order of onion rings (a total of 4072 calories, that’s over 2 days worth). I did avoid chowing down on the breakfast sandwich, the burrito, and the onion rings though, bringing me down to 2891 calories (yeah, I’m not proud of it). After returning home, I sprinted to the bathroom, because apparently that didn’t sit well with my stomach (go figure).


Disclaimer: I don’t recommend this to anyone! I also don’t recommend taking gifts from Paul! Hell I don’t recommend Paul!


To Paul I just want to say, “Thank you for the food, the trip was crazy, but fun.” …that and “Screw you Paul, screw you.”